T’is SPOOKY SZN . . .
Halloween is this week and while we were once super pumped about Halloween being on a Saturday this year, COVID-19 kind of threw some salt all over our plans.
Throw on your costume, or PJs (no judgement) and hop on that couch, huddling together under a blanket with your loved ones to warm your shivering, quivering spines because what we have on the TV in front of us is scary AF, man.
If you’re here for the scary movies this season, buckle in because Jai is going to give you all the ghouls, goblins, and goobers your heart can possibly handle.
No. Seriously.
You may want to check with your doctor before watching any of these . . .
NUMBER TEN: “The Visit” (2015) – Directed by M. Night Shyamalan, this is a film about a pair of teenage siblings visiting their grandparents – while their mom, played by Kathryn Hahn, goes on a cruise – and get super freaked out by their various behaviors.
Naturally.
The film is shot in the documentary-found-footage format (think “The Blair Witch Project” -ish), and some shots are super friggin’ creepy.
As creepy as some of the moments in this film are, there are also some legit funny moments – and I’m not just talking about the typical so-bad-it’s-funny type of funny horror movies obligatorily have, but actual humorous moments – especially the reaction-shots.
(Then again, I’m also not allowed to see horror movies in theaters because I laugh at inappropriate times, so maybe don’t take my word on this point . . . or do because some scenes are totally LOL.)
NUMBER NINE: “Identity” (2003) – This psychological slasher film has a stacked cast — John Cusak, Amanda Peet, Ray Liotta, Clea DuVall, Rebecca De Mornay — and all the left turns you could hope for.
A group of strangers become stranded in a middle-of-nowhere-basically-abandoned motel when a killer starts killing people off, one at a time.
NUMBER EIGHT: “The Strangers” (2008) – In a world of isolated vacation homes we mainly book ourselves online, what could be scarier than a film about a young couple – played by Liv Tyler & Scott Speedman – staying in a said isolated vacation home only to be terrorized by three mask wearing invaders.
Writer-Director Bryan Bertino was inspired by the true story of the Manson family and their series of home invasions, murder, and other chaos.
NUMBER SEVEN: “The Babadook” (2014) – Look, I’m not a parent so I’m going to say it . . . KIDS ARE CREEPY!!
The scariest characters in a lot of horror films are typically the children. Don’t @ me.
Here’s a horror flick, which relies heavily on the aforementioned fact, about a widowed mom and her six year old offspring and the repercussions from reading a book they found about a top-hat-wearing bogeyman-like monster and then freaks out the rest of the movie trying to convince his mama the thing is real.
NUMBER SIX: Poltergeist (1982) – Combining the twistedly creative minds of Steven Spielberg and Tobe Hooper, this film creeped us out through the years and continues to this day.
This horror film follows a family in their new California suburban home which just so happens to get invaded by some really mean ghosts that kidnap the young daughter . . . . because, why not?
If you were born after the turn of the century – and I’m not picking on anyone, this is an important part where context is key – when a channel was out, we would have static instead of a blank screen or error message.
The snowy-swoosshhy static was scary, day or night, when it popped up and we have this film to thank. Especially if you fell asleep while watching TV, only to wake up in the middle of the night (always a little after 3:00 AM . . . why is it always just after 3:00 AM?!) to the most terrifying static. *shudders*
NUMBER FIVE: “Candyman” (1992) – A film about a murderous soul and a hook for a hand called the Candyman is accidentally summoned by a skeptic grad student – because, obviously – while researching urban legends. The particular legend of the Candyman is that he appears after one says his name five times (I can’t remember if it’s in a dark room with a mirror or just saying it in general, so I’m going to stop typing about this film now . . . )
NUMBER FOUR: “The Conjuring” (2013) – One of two films in the Conjuring film series that made this list, and it’s the first one in the series.
Yes . . . a sequel that’s better than the original! It’s possible and does happen!
Paranormal investigators Ed and Lorraine Warren (portrayed by Patrick Wilson and Vera Farmiga, respectively) are working to help a family being terrorized by some kind of dark presence in their farmhouse.
As creepy as this film is, something really cool about it is that Director James Wan wanted to prove a movie could be terrifying and still have a PG-13 rating — barely any swear words, very little gore and absolutely no sex or gratuitous nudity.
However, members of the MPAA who screened the film said — regardless of monitoring the dirty words, blood and guts, and nudie business — it was still getting an R rating because it was just to dang scary.
Wan even asked what he could take out of the film to land the PG-13 rating, and they were like “NOTHING,” because the overall tone was just way too scary to be rated anything less than R.
Oh, and it’s also based on a REAL CASE FILE from the real-life, legendary paranormal investigators Ed and Judy Warren.
So, there’s that . . .
NUMBER THREE: “Halloween” (1978) and “Halloween 2” (1981) — We’re making this a two for one deal because “Halloween” and “Halloween 2” really should have just been one film, but imagine how heads must’ve rolled back then at the thought of anyone wanting to sit in a theater that long.
If these two films were made today, no doubt it would be one film.
“Halloween” (AKA Part I) is the horror film that famously starred Jamie Lee Curtis as Laurie, a teen dealing with a murderous mental patient who escapes to the small town of Haddonfield, Illinois to continue his murderous tendencies 15 years after killing members of his own family.
“Halloween 2” (AKA Part II) picks up right wear Part I left off with Sherriff Brackett and Dr. Loomis searching for Michael Myers while Laurie is rushed to the hospital.
Spoiler Alert: Mikey-poo isn’t too far behind her!
NUMBER TWO: “The Exorcist” (1973) – This one infamously starred Linda Blair as Regan, a teenage girl possessed by a demon after playing with a Ouija board to communicate with her imaginary friend Captain Howdy, and shirt gets real, real fast.
Not only is this film scary, creepy, blerghahhhh, and anything else you can think of to reference it . . . it is another film inspired by true events! *Shivers*
Fun Fact: I was four or five years old when I saw this film and it scarred me for a LONG time. It is hands down the #1 reason I couldn’t fall asleep unless someone was next to me until halfway through high school. Yes. I said High School – unless that someone was my best friend Katie who was well aware of my trauma from seeing this film at a young age and would kick up on the mattress of the upper bunk of my futon bunkbed (hey, it was the early-aughts) while making these dark-growling-demon noises.
. . . and NUMBER ONE: “The Conjuring 2” (2016) – Proof that sequels of horror films can be scarier than the original!
Ed and Loraine Warren are back at it in this film where they hit up North London in an effort to help a single mom and her four children in a home overrun by supernatural spirits . . . and not of the Casper the Friendly Ghost variety . . .
The best thing I can do to prepare you for this film, is to not prepare you at all.
Trust. You’ll thank me later.
(YouTube)
