It is OK to not be OK . . .
We do not need to hold it together every moment of every day. Our feelings are valid & it is OK to feel them all, even the not so great ones.
It is also OK to be OK, even when others think you should not be.
Acceptance is not denial.
I wanted to share something with you in an effort to showcase that, yes it is OK to not be OK, but, it is OK to be OK. Acceptance — true acceptance — is not denial, nor is it a defense mechanism.
Early last year, my husband Ryan and I had a daughter on the way.
At the eight week ultrasound we got news things were not looking right and to come back again in two weeks for a ten week ultrasound. I already felt what was about to happen & grieved/accepted the loss that night. God had laid it on my heart what was about to happen, and I was OK with it.
I knew I did nothing wrong to cause the loss — the loss that had not even happened yet — and there was nothing I could do to change the outcome. I’m not one to dwell on the things I can’t control. I accept.
For me, my faith is a big reason why it is easier for me to accept than to dwell.
***Side note: With my current pregnancy, I have actually had numerous people who knew about my miscarriage ask me what I planned to do differently this time so it does not happen again . . . to which I would kindly reply (while internally screaming obscenities at them for their ignorance) “Absolutely nothing. Gods got me.” I digress . . .
At the ten week ultrasound there was no heartbeat. I’d had a missed miscarriage (the term for a miscarriage that happens, but your body didn’t get the memo). We lost the baby.
My miscarriage was not the hardest part. It did not break me the way people predict it should have of an expectant mother.
The hardest part for me was that I was, in fact, OK, and others could not accept that. I was told I was in denial . . . I was told I would grieve “eventually” . . . I was treated like I was broken for not being broken . . . I was treated like I was a sociopath for not being devastated.
I was able to openly talk about my experience (including the botched D&C procedure), but most others were not open to hearing me. I was somehow wrong for being OK.
I didn’t need people to say “I’m sorry” if I brought it up because it was relevant to a current conversation. I did not need sympathy. I needed acceptance for my acceptance.
It seems that most people — not everyone, but most — do not know how to accept the unexpected. It was expected for me to be devastated, but most did not know how to accept my acceptance.
I am going to say it again — losing the baby was not the hardest part of my miscarriage . . . the hardest part, for me personally, was people not allowing my truth to be reality — that I was in fact OK.
I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason, and God’s got me.
The reason I share this is because I want you to know that if you have experienced a miscarriage, you are not alone. If you have ever gone through heartbreak without breaking, you are not alone. If you manage to accept a situation for what it is, but were made to feel like it was just denial, you are not alone.
It is OK to not be OK . . . AND it is OK to be OK.
If you know someone going through a miscarriage, please do not put your feelings on them. Let them talk. Hear what they have to say. They may be handling things as you would expect, or maybe they are not. Maybe they see things differently. Maybe their brain works differently from yours. The only thing that remains a constant is that anyone going through a loss needs your love and support. Be the person to give them that, and not just on your terms.
Also, please do not forget about the feelings of the non-carrying parent. They suffered a loss, too, and may struggle in coping.
When we lost our baby, I was OK . . . my husband was not. Yet, no one seemed to care about his feelings.
It was generous for people to reach out to me to see how I was doing, even though they would not (or could not) accept my answer, but the amount of times I had to tell the people who are actually closer to my husband than me that they really should be reaching out to him during this time because he is not OK was truly astounding, disappointing and heartbreaking.
Miscarriage is not a dirty word, nor should it be kept a secret. It happens. It actually happen a lot. If you have never experienced one, I guarantee you that you know someone who has, whether you realize it or not.
Some are devastated, some are not. Neither is wrong.
With love always,
Jai
